APRIL 11 2011 : Day no 101 of 2011 : SECRETS.

P4025958

fear lives here too, because secrets once opened can’t be
closed and the flame that comes from them is eager for
the fire – one lick becomes two, then nine and seventeen

FIRELICKMorgan Yasbincek.

I totally give up. I cannot pull out 500 words from these sayings. Should be able to because they are excellent quotes and poems – but each morning I look at them and can’t think of a single thing. Perhaps I don’t totally give up. Perhaps I stick with the same theme of using the GEM COLLECTION till the end of the month, as planned. I’m thinking that due to REMAINING being my theme for the year. Some of my aims are :

DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE

DON’T LEAVE THE MAN

DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING THIS YEAR

STAY – JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER.

So, I keep minding the beautiful house on the Hill and I stay with the Man who is a good and fine man. I keep doing what I am doing even when I wish to leave. I stay – just a little bit longer.

I spent the weekend at the BELLINGEN READERS’ AND WRITERS’ FESTIVAL . One of the themes running through it was COMMUNITY.  Years back I heard a radio programme on the car radio and on it an Elderwoman said words to this effect :

Once a community has to call itself a community, it is already not one.

So, there I was, sitting outside a tent in the former Council Park of my own Community and sitting in the Library listening to SOUTHERN CROSS UNIVERSITY representatives and feeling extreme disquiet. I was aware of the kids playing football just over the back behind the Uniting Church and of the young people performing over on the North Side in their LOCAL MADeNESS. I was thinking of the early years for me in this area. That was the 1970s and we more or less invaded from the City. Now we have a smoother invasion with more expensive clothing and “higher education.”  I think that was the disquiet.  We were TALKING about community. Attempting to label and describe and define community. And I kept thinking about that radio show from years back.

Once a community has to call itself a community, it is already not one.

There’s no need for the footie kids to call themselves a Community. They’re the Magpies and that’s quite enough definition for us. There’s no need for the young people over at Madeness to call themselves a Community either. They’re making music.

Beware those of you who have to struggle too hard to define your own community. It might not exist at all.

FEAR LIVES HERE TOO.

Fear lives for me in staying on in any Community. Fear of the Secrets being found out. The Secrets don’t survive long term involvement in Community.  Someone is certain to see the small flame of each one. Guess that’s why there’s often wee disputes and sparking clashes.

The good thing about it is that staying on in a community of any kind removes the small debris of daily secrets, tackles the little Fears and doesn’t tend to lead to the tragic full blown bushfires of Fleeing Fear and Smouldering Secrets that build up over time and rage out of control once they are ignited.

As for me,  I am staying a little longer. In the Communities that know a great deal about me and my non-secrets. I am beginning to feel the longterm benefits of staying past the boredom. past the desire to run, past the fears, past the naked exposure.

I lived a fair while with major level secrets. That’s intrinsic to drug addiction. It affected all the interractions I had with people. It caused FEAR – “ that corrosive thread” – which wound its cancerous way around all the Organs of my life. I have now lived a long time without drugs and without many secrets and the corrosive thread – well, its pretty much unravelled and removed.

That means that I lunch with former in-laws and they cook me a special vegetarian meal and send me home with red and white roses grown in their garden.

It means that my brother comes to my home to pick me up and take me to visit with my daughter. No need to hide anything at all. No need to hide FROM anything at all.

 

 

 

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