THE YAAN: Sunsetting at 5.06 p.m. Blue at the edge of the sky and pink above it. Well, I did it. Drove to Coffs. Kept appointments. Drove home. I didn’t have one dizzy turn despite the blurred vision at times. I went to radiology for my hand and the young lady doing the ultrasound was a girl I had taught when she was an infant. That was a pleasure.

I was so afraid to take myself out especially to medical places but I actually enjoyed it. Not the Haemotology Department so much. I am doing better a few hours later. I needed to come home and take some quiet time. When I am in the medical rooms, Fear takes over and my thinking becomes overwhelmed by the volume and nature of information they present to me.

I thought that grief and illness and such things would follow predictable patterns but I have learned in the last decade that there is very little predictability in any of them. The supposedly closest people can rip one another apart or fail to comfort or support.  The simplest matters can become the most difficult or traumatic and, for me, completely unexpected side effects strike like a rogue wave on a rock fisherman.

That’s when I find myself unable to drive. Unable to choose the food I want for dinner. My skin is welted and wild from being dragged over psychological barnacles. My mind churns and bubbles trying to find a way to help my kids but I malfunction. Can’t think clearly. I am a Mess. But I did drive to Coffs and back. Bravo to Me.


THE YAAN : And tonight, I have a heater on. Plenty of doonahs and a warm bed. A  safe and quiet house. I have internet and lights and TV. Not bad at all. I have had an email from my granddaughter and tomorrow I am to mind the 2 year old while her Mum does a student teacher gig at the local school where I once taught. I have history and I have the present. Plus, I got myself out and about.



THE YAAN: Winter Solstice today. The mists are rising from the bottom paddocks and its just a little chilly. Now begins the strange annual experience of days becoming longer again but colder.  Seems like a band slightly out of time to me. I’ve not, so far, fought and kicked against the Winter. Most often, I do. This year, I have almost enjoyed it. Today, I have a challenge. Only a couple of years back it would have been no challenge at all but something’s gone amiss with me and today looks intimidating.

Not long back, I drove where I pleased – fearlessly. Now I am timid about driving the few kilometres into Coffs Harbour. Not long back, I cruised the Gold Coast and took good care of My Self. Now, I am uneasy to be  taking myself to an ultrasound and a haematologist.  I have a daughter who is precious and generally takes me to these places but today she is seeing her father who had a diagnosis of liver failure and has come down the Mountain to look for a place to live where its not so cold and where he has family around him.

I live with a man who WORKS. He takes me many places but he WORKS. My very lips curl with the disdain I feel for the Working World.  Particularly the “Do-Gooder” “Industries”.

As for me, Courage, ma brave. What has happened to me to make me so timid and fearful?