THE YAAN: Sunsetting at 5.06 p.m. Blue at the edge of the sky and pink above it. Well, I did it. Drove to Coffs. Kept appointments. Drove home. I didn’t have one dizzy turn despite the blurred vision at times. I went to radiology for my hand and the young lady doing the ultrasound was a girl I had taught when she was an infant. That was a pleasure.
I was so afraid to take myself out especially to medical places but I actually enjoyed it. Not the Haemotology Department so much. I am doing better a few hours later. I needed to come home and take some quiet time. When I am in the medical rooms, Fear takes over and my thinking becomes overwhelmed by the volume and nature of information they present to me.
I thought that grief and illness and such things would follow predictable patterns but I have learned in the last decade that there is very little predictability in any of them. The supposedly closest people can rip one another apart or fail to comfort or support. The simplest matters can become the most difficult or traumatic and, for me, completely unexpected side effects strike like a rogue wave on a rock fisherman.
That’s when I find myself unable to drive. Unable to choose the food I want for dinner. My skin is welted and wild from being dragged over psychological barnacles. My mind churns and bubbles trying to find a way to help my kids but I malfunction. Can’t think clearly. I am a Mess. But I did drive to Coffs and back. Bravo to Me.
THE YAAN : And tonight, I have a heater on. Plenty of doonahs and a warm bed. A safe and quiet house. I have internet and lights and TV. Not bad at all. I have had an email from my granddaughter and tomorrow I am to mind the 2 year old while her Mum does a student teacher gig at the local school where I once taught. I have history and I have the present. Plus, I got myself out and about.