THE YAAN: 250 WORDS A DAY TILL SUNDAY AUGUST 12 2012. A quiet celebration of my own. 25 years clean and sober. Yesterday a Staffy came visiting in the early morning mists. Came right in and made himself at home. An old Staffy with white in his whiskers. One of Odin’s mob, methinks. The big, blunt, square head and powerful shoulders. Odin was the dog we got for Jim after his little Mort was hit by a red car out on South Arm Road and killed in 1995. We got him from Fernmount – the runt of the litter. It took us 2 days for Jim to choose the one he wanted. That dog wove his way through our lives when I came home from the City at 7 years of recovery. For me, there was something solid and devoted and steadfast about Odin,”protector of women and children”.
That’s how I wanted my recovery to be. Steadfast and sure. With white whiskers. The Staffy who came yesterday just stayed for a while and then went off down the back paddock. We left Odin behind with Brad in the Rainbow House when we went North in 2001. They loved each other but Brad said that Odie often took off, looking for Jim. He would find the houses and flats where they had lived. Sometimes it was years after we had left.
I don’t know what happened to our Odin but yesterday’s steadfast little fella reminded me of times I don’t always think about. The mansion at Buffer Creek and the AFrame on South Arm and my son walking his dog through 100s acres of bush and showing me sugar gliders and how to throw a star knife.
It hasn’t been an easy 25 years and I haven’t shone very brightly in the outside world but I have been a drug free mother and grandmother. And we have had dogs.
THE YAAN : One year has passed. I listened to the AMAZING RHYTHM ACES double album while my sister passed beside me. I am going South today to Port Macquarie where she finished her earthly life. I have a lot of memories of a lot of things down there. Let’s see how we go. I will get back to you from the Mid-Pacific Motel.
HUMPHREE THE BELLINGEN CAMEL.
Tip No 24 : Take what everyone thinks and explore the opposite.
I didn’t have breakfast at home today. I went to Bellingen and met the Girls and ate at the VINTAGE NEST. I was up very early to watch the Dawn. I am NOT going to the Big Town this Xmas. I am NOT going into modern buildings that I don’t like nor buying things from the Big Shops. I haven’t bought one single gift as yet – but not from a Scrooge mindset. Just a’quietly thinking about things. My sister and my daughter love Christmas and are the brilliant gift givers. But last year was Susan’s last Christmas and I don’t seem able to rally for this one – not just yet.
TAKE WHAT EVERYONE THINKS AND EXPLORE THE OPPOSITE.
This is my choice for my CELEBRATION shot of the Week. The Girls are two sisters at the funeral of my sister. I’ve chosen it because it expresses both joy and grief to me and holds both the past and the future in one moment.
CELEBRATING IT ALL.
Sit down. Breathe
in, breathe out.
Close your tired eyes.
Basho is sitting beside you—
a guest in his own house.
IN BASHO’S HOUSE
TAKE WHAT EVERYONE THINKS AND EXPLORE THE OPPOSITE.
I shall sleep on this one.
Good Night from me and Paul Kelly.
Gee I am tired. Willie Wagtails are at the door and butcher birds. This morning a sea eagle came over with something dead and there was a wild disturbance all about. It happened just when we were reading a meditation book about accepting whatever happened as a sign of a prayer being answered. I don’t know what it meant – but there was the sea eagle.
My daughter baked a fine zucchini and carrot cake and the man got me the photo scanner I have been wanting longtime. I also have mascara and body products and a toiletry bag and they are all spot on.
Think I shall just go to my photo album. http://sixtyeyes.wordpress.com/ and flick through. Put in a few new ones. I might do some scanning.
I am going to go on with the GEM COLLECTION again tonight. I don’t think anyone but me and Mary Ellen reads it but I like it and so I keep making it. This is one of my struggling weeks. Lets laugh aloud at that. It’s a struggling year. My meetings are down way too low and I am way depressed. I rarely use the term depression – because I can find other words to describe it – but I surely am struggling. Almost every area of my life has been threatened and/or harmed in the last 12-24 months. Dreams have crumbled. A loved one has died and a whole batch of others have moved 1000kms away. A rare relationship is shimmering its way out of existence and my home is likely to be lost as a result. My health has sucked and eating worms is beginning to look good to me.
Waking up the other morning to find that Alec Donald had died in the night just broke me all up. Sometime in the next few days, I shall get my head back into programmed thinking, start doing the things I need to do to get sane again and maybe I shall be able to find something to bring me out of the Ooze.
I don’t think I am depressed so much as just plain sad.
Sad for the people hurting. Worried about my own future. Lonely for my loved ones. Leave me with that for the Night. I can get back to the good things tomorrow.